Beautiful.
“Shot on Fire Island, New York, this film (4min. 23 sec) captures the secrets of eternal youth as Maia Helles, a Russian ballet dancer turns 95 but still remains resolutely independent, healthy and as fit as a forty year old. Made by Julia Warr, artist and film maker met Maia on a plane 4 years ago and became utterly convinced by the benefits of her daily exercise routine, which Maia perfected, together with her Mother, over 60 years ago, long before exercise classes were ever invented. (2011)”
Post-Holiday Thoughts.
As my holiday break comes to a close, I’m sitting in my mom’s house with my pup, reflecting on the last two weeks. It’s been pretty insane since I’ve round-tripped it to Austin twice, managed to help my brother and his wife move into their new house, saw a few friends from the hometown, and went to see the Gaultier exhibit as well.
My time in Austin was planned almost by the hour, so it definitely didn’t feel like I was just hanging out. But, I had a list of people that I greatly care about and wanted to see - because I don’t know when I’m coming back (I’d like to come back for sxsw, but don’t think the graduate student budget can afford it).
The thing I’ve realized on this break: I miss Austin alot more than I thought I would. I miss how excellent you can eat and drink for reasonable prices, I miss all the bikes, the hill country, the breakfast tacos, the music scene and the sunsets over the lake. But mostly, I miss my girlfriends and the feeling of belonging that I felt in Austin. I’ve moved around alot in my life and have never felt like a city truly “fit” me until several years after I moved to Austin. Even as it changes, I love how hippy/quirky/edgy/creative/indie/rocker it is. I simply don’t see many people like that in Boston and truthfully, haven’t met anyone I really connected with there except for the lovely Super-Doer, Miss Kate.
To be fair, I would probably miss it less if I had a job and my dog in Boston. I knew this year would be tough. I don’t intend to put any roots down here, which is probably why it still feels so lonely. Nevertheless, I can’t help feeling a little bummed leaving all the people I love so much for a city that I feel like is a limbo point in my life for the year.
2012 feels like it has the potential for great things for me, but is also filled with uncertainty. I know I will graduate. I think I can get job out of school. But, will I find a job that I can afford this upcoming loan payment AND survive in a big city and support myself? I don’t know…
I have to recognize my accomplishments from 2011 though: I got a huge promotion. I faced my GMAT fears. I pursued my long-time dream of graduate school. I left said bigtime job. I sold all my stuff and moved across the country. And most importantly, I finally left the safe harbor to give myself a chance to grow. Those are all good things.
Things I’m looking forward to this year: Reuniting full-time with my pup and subsequent best friend in the fall, graduating, living in London during the Olympics (!!!), and the possibilitiy of a real fresh start - with a new job, a new place, and another new city.
Hope 2012 holds lots of fantastico things for you too, Tumblrs.
xo
“And God help me, I push myself straight out into the blue sky and drop, drop down towards blue and white water. And you know what surprised me? While airborne, as I flew out, and then plummeted down towards the rocks and sea?
I didn’t care.
I was not afraid.
I’ve known love.
I’ve seen many beautiful things.
And it was enough.
That was what I was thinking. Stone cold. Serene. Yet…happy, as I dropped, and the water rushed up to meet me at sixty miles per hour. Needless to say, I survived the experience. But jumping into the void made for an illuminating few seconds.”
Anthony Bourdain, from “The Nasty Bits”
I came across this passage awhile ago reading this book and it rang true with me, given the current changes in my life. Here’s to hoping that my ‘jump into the void’ is an illuminating one as well.
“
Oh, life.
I’ve always been raised to fess up, be accountable when I fuck up, admit it when I do, sincerely apologize, and correct my behavior.
I think that sometimes, people are so caught up in their own heads, that they can’t even attempt to see beyond themselves. I recognize that it can be difficult to remove yourself from a situation in which you’re personally involved in, and look at it with an objective point of view. I struggle with it alot as well but hopefully, space and time allow you to do that - if you’re open to that type of introspection. I know I’m far from perfect. I am definitely self-aware of my faults. I also know who I am and don’t apologize for it. I’ve learned from my mistakes and am upfront and honest about my intentions and feelings. I think I often mistakenly trust that other people are too, so I’m often suprised and disappointed when I find that they aren’t.
Obviously, an event in my life has caused me to stumble. For so long, I’ve been fiercely independent - insistent on being single, living for myself, and reluctant to let anyone in. I’ve been in relationships - sure, but I’ve always been able to keep those at arm’s length. I’ve even often talked of not wanting to be in a relationship - in part because I truly thought I’d never find someone I felt a connection with like that again. Fast forward seven years and as it ends up, I did find someone. And it didn’t work out. But I’m realizing that it’s ok, because I made forward progress in my personal growth (small victories, people). A friend of mine often says, “The path of least resistance is usually the path that the universe wants you to take” - and it’s so true. I don’t want to stay here in Austin, or even come back anytime soon. I love this city, but I’ve outgrown it. The drone of parties eternally bores me. The status quo of mediocrity on the east side drives me insane. Nowadays, I often find myself staring at the regular faces I always see out and think, “Is this IT for you? THIS is the pinnacle of your mid-30’s/early 40’s? Really?!”
I need to be in a new place, around inspiring people, and chasing my dreams.
I’ve been quite emotional lately. I think it’s just all the change - which has frankly suprised me since I’ve always been so adept with change. As you get older, you really do get more comfortable. I’ve been in the same apartment for six years. I have a strong circle of amazing girlfriends who I’d do anything for that I’ve cultivated for years here. I’ve been at the same job for five years and Bella has only lived in Clarksville since I brought her home from Austin Dog many years ago.
Maybe I’m scared that this experience will change who I am at my core; change my expectations of myself and the world. And then I realize this is the whole reason I’m doing this in the first place. Letting go….of everything…in order to propel myself forward.
Because, like I said, we’ve only got one shot here. Better make it a good one.
“I would rather be ashes than dust. I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in a magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The purpose of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time. ” - Jack London
“In every country, we should be teaching our children the scientific method and the reasons for a Bill of Rights. With it comes a certain decency, humility and community spirit. In the demon-haunted world that we inhabit by virtue of being human, this may be all that stands between us and the enveloping darkness.”Carl Sagan
We are nothing if we don’t learn from our mistakes.
Over the last six or seven years of being single, I’ve had alot of time to think about what went wrong in alot of my past relationships.
A large part was due to my “chooser”. I picked - “fixer uppers” - dudes that were musicians, DJ’s, bartenders, door guys, egomaniacs, guys with no car, job, etc. In short, losers and assholes.
It’s actually quite a joke in my family and with my close friends. Whenever I start dating anyone, the first two questions out of their collective mouths are, “Does he have a car? Does he have a job?”. Years ago, I realized the err of my ways and stopped choosing altogether. Alot of these dudes happened to be commitmentphobes as well (surprise!).
The longest relationship I ever had was with a guy who for the first year and a half of our relationship, still had “single” on his myspace status. It sounds silly and trite, but it nagged at me regularly. It always felt like he was trying to “keep his options open”. I ended up staying with the “single” guy for three and a half years but to this day, I think I was too empathetic - ultimately sacrificing what I really wanted. And all that did was make me feel like I wasn’t worth it.
Life sure has a cruel sense of humor.
As some of you know, I’m moving in mid-August for graduate school. It’s a condensed, European structured MBA in one year, specializing in International Business in Boston.
I’ve been working towards this for over a year and it’s been a dream of mine for at least eight years. I’m finally leaving and starting fresh. So wouldn’t you know - now I’ve met someone here in Austin that makes my heart drop into my stomach.
This is the first time in six years I’ve felt like this. I’ve had so many bad experiences, that it’s so hard for me to open up to people. With this person, I felt an instant connection - like I’d known him for years. The feelings that have developed, quite frankly, terrify me so badly that I want to puke. But I also feel like I can’t fight it, even if I tried.
Part of my issue is that I’m overly pragmatic and analytical. He just got out of a relationship a few months ago that involved long distance and got burned. We both agree that long distance isn’t an option - I don’t think I’ll have the time to devote to him (or the money to fly back and forth to see him) when I’m in school and it’s not fair, because he deserves more than that. So it’s what to do in the present that I struggle with. I hate the situation because it’s made life exponentially more complicated and emotional. And if I wasn’t leaving, I wouldn’t have to worry about all this and could just let things develop organically, with all the time in the world.
But time isn’t a luxury I have now, so we find ourselves stuck in this miserable limbo because we’re both terrified of being hurt. I guess what I’m asking for is him to step out on this ledge with me - acknowledging that we’re both scared and both taking a risk. Because right now, it feels like I’m standing on the precipice alone and he’s asking me to jump, without any conscious thought for the future - and it just doesn’t feel right.
It doesn’t seem like any answer is a good one. So I’m just stumbling around in the darkness, thinking what a cruel sense of humor life has, as I watch this rare thing slip through my fingers.
Sigh.
The Gauntlet.
The whole graduate school process will officially come to a close in two weeks. I have the rest of the admission exam for one school next Tuesday, the second interview for the same school next Thursday, and have to retake the GMAT the following Tuesday. I had another interview on Monday for yet another school in the evening too.
Once these things are all complete - it is finished. I am so nervous, I could puke. For me, this is about more than just the pursuit of a dream - it’s also an exercise in letting go of everything - my job, my life in Austin, my place, my dog (but only for a year, and that my friends, will kill me the most), and my security.
I’m absolutely terrified because at this moment, for the first time in my entire life, I don’t have a plan or know where where I’m going after school, if I should be accepted. It’s exhilarating and terrifying at the same time, but one thing is certain…I’m on the precipice of something. Ultimately, this is a lesson in learning to trust myself that I’ll land on my feet - no matter what.
